Journeys of healing - from darkness to light

I've found that I can't just let this thread go, because there have been developments in the time since my last posting.

On the positive side

I have found a lawyer with a social conscience who only charges what people can afford to pay, and he has a good reputation.  I have also found a person who is qualified and experienced in providing supervision for access to children, and he's free for people on a low income like I am.  Now we will see if Julie will allow me access to Darcy with supervision, or if she will refuse.  If she does that it will show very clearly that her refusal to let me see him was simply malicious or genuinely out of concerns for Darcy's safety (as unfounded as they might be).  If it's the latter then I will get to see Darcy.  If the former, I won't, but Julie will have shown her true motives clearly, and that will be to my great advantage when it gets to court, and it will give me grounds for applying to the court for an emergency parenting order.

On the not so positive side is the news that the Family Court is so overwhelmed that even a hearing for an interim parenting order would not happen until the middle of next year.  A hearing for a final order would not happen until mid 2012!!!!  So if Julie persists with her refusal to let me see Darcy, he could be two years old before I see him again.

I had a very low evening on Friday, after learning this, but I am back to a sense of

"I WILL DO WHATEVER IT TAKES AND I WILL STAY STRONG SO THAT WHEN MY SON COMES TO ME I WILL BE THE DAD HE NEEDS ME TO BE" (Shouting to the Universe, to the Powers above and below).

The saga continued, like it was ever going to be just boring and repetitious.

Onwards and upwards.

On a different but related note I'm going to post to the music thread about a beautiful example of filling in a blank space from the past.

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When I stopped looking at the future through the past I could see the only thing that's real - the present.

Joe

When I stopped looking at the future through the past I could see the only thing that's real - the present.

 
Dear Joe,
I really like your new signature.
 
Concentrate on the positive news. You have no idea what the outcome will be, so don't 'pre-empt' it. Imagine that the very best outcome is what will happen. Our prayers need to be precise and to the point.
 
My Son went through all of this, including the access with supervision, and now it's the child's mother who has to have the access with supervision.
 
Keep faith.
 
With Love,
Jude

Love is the only way

When I stopped looking at the future through the past I could see the only thing that's real - the present.

Dear Joe,

I´m also grateful for your latest signature. Striving to live in the present... That´s what we are all called to do...
It is good to hear of the positive developments of things. As says Jude - concentrate on them!

Wishing you the best always,
Juliana

"Speak Peace in a World of Conflict" (M.B.Rosenberg)

Dear Joe,
 
I have read a lot of what is here on this long journey of yours shared through this community.  I have only been a part of all this for two months, so I wanted to make sure I took the time to read before I said anything.
 
I hear hope in what you have shared here.  For myself, as a recovering alcoholic of nineteen years sobriety, I have had to learn over and over that I do not know the future.   And when I think I do, then I started assuming the most horrible outcomes about everything in the future.  I really like your signature, as it is helpful to me.
 
I am glad you are continuing to write music.  I am also a musician, a singer/songwriter.  I often find this is the only way I can get out my deepest feelings.
 
I will put you in my waterfall meditation, which is my way of praying for people.   One day at a time.   One hour at a time.  One moment at a time.
 
Love,
butterflyspirit

Now joy is falling down, like the rain upon the ground,
Bringing laughter, bringing hope, bring love.
My heart is like a butterly breaking out into the sky,
And flying cross the heavens high above.

I have had to learn over and over that I do not know the future. And when I think I do, then I started assuming the most horrible outcomes about everything in the future.

Here's the problem.  Part of me catastrophises and expects the worst - this is the abuse survivor (child) who learnt very early that the world is a monstrously dangerous and painful place and wants to be ready when the pain comes again.  There is another closely related part which knows it's going to get hurt, and so brings it about to get it over quickly - the self-saboteur.  Part of me is totally optimistic, and is hurt when it doesn't happen - this is also the innocent child who retreated from the abuse into fantasy because it was nicer than reality.   And there is the rehearser who goes over and  over possible scenarios to try and be prepared for them.   There are other parts which are relevant, but these are the strongest. 

Every survivor I've met has a similar pattern of relating to the world.  The battle we face in our healing is to accept that we are how we are because of what was done to us, and to see that an alternate way of being is possible.  Then we have to un-learn the old pattern and learn a new one, one based on the Transactional Analysis Adult ego state, which gathers information and then makes a decision. 

The hardest part is to accept we may have been using a maladaptive pattern of responding to the world, without automatically seeing this as defining us as wrong and bad.  Because that's the other strong part, often the strongest of all - the child who was taught that if something we do is going wrong then we are bad people and should expect to be punished.  In fact we are to be punished even if something is not going wrong.  And if our original abuser is no longer here we either find someone else to punish us (e.g. Julie for me) or we do it to ourselves.

Which is all pretty ugly, really.  And hard to change, because it's been the foundation of our behaviour and of our perception of ourselves, for all our lives.

What I can celebrate today is the fact that I did the "It's all going to be a disaster, and I'm going to be punished for it, so I might as well get over with and punish myself" trip today, and recognised that I was doing it.  And took an alternative path which ended with me feeling in control of myself.  Pat myself on the back, big time.

I've had to reassert my commitments to Darcy and myself a lot over the last few days, but it's now a door into "I don't like how I'm handling this, what's the alternative?"

I'll save the story for another day.


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Either I'm getting taller or the holes in the road are getting shallower.

Joe

What I can celebrate today is the fact that I did the "It's all going to be a disaster, and I'm going to be punished for it, so I might as well get over with and punish myself" trip today, and recognised that I was doing it. And took an alternative path which ended with me feeling in control of myself. Pat myself on the back, big time.

 
Joe, as I see it, you are creating your life now. You have the ability and opportunity to make this work.
 
My Blessings to you,
Love,
Jude

Love is the only way

Either I'm getting taller or the holes in the road are getting shallower.

Dear Joe,

There can be no doubt for me that the first part of your signature is true. As for the second, I certainly hope that it is, too! Keep jumping over or walking around any holes in the road...

Another candle will be lit, and my best wishes are with you.
Juliana

"Speak Peace in a World of Conflict" (M.B.Rosenberg)

I think,
dear Joe,
that we allow our minds to machinate
and take over
what is our true self
and our true reactions,
because our true self
already knows what to do in any given situation.
Be present and your true and wise self will save you.
Within your true self lives God
with love . . .
sparrow

everything counts... ♥

Today I was rewarded many times over for my faith and determination. 

First, the panic I talked about in my last post has resolved in a beautiful way.  Julie had contacted my second wife, Lorraine (it is not unusual for survivors of abuse to have multiple partners who are in some way like their abusers.  It's an attempt by the subconscious mind to replay the original trauma in a way which somehow resolves it.  Of course, all it does is re-traumatise the survivor).  The breakup of my marriage to Lorraine was particularly acrimonious, and Lorraine has made determined efforts to turn my three children against me, and to get them to say they didn't want to see me.

Well, not only did she succeed in doing that, she got them to tell Julie that I had physically abused them.  My panic was about feeling very betrayed by my kids.  Last night I used my Transactional Analysis techniques to get myself out of the Hurt Child and Rebel Child ego states, which is where the panic and hurt was coming from, into the Adult state, and so back into a state which allows feelings to be present but isn't controlled by them. 

Then today I found some things which Lorraine wrote which totally discredit her.  The kids are all saying exactly the same things using exactly the same words, and are clearly just repeating what she has taught them.  If Julie uses them in the court hearings it will in fact strengthen my case.  It still hurts that the kids are doing it, but they are young adults, and have to follow their own paths.

Second I saw my lawyer today, and he said that we will have a preliminary court hearing on 8 December, and that I will have a preliminary access order on that date!!!!!!!  So it looks as if I WILL be seeing Darcy for Christmas!!!!!

Third, my lawyer said that he had a long discussion with Julie's lawyer, and she (Julie's) admitted that Julie has major mental health problems!!  If her own lawyer is saying it, then how obvious will it be for the court.

Suddenly there is not just a light in the darkness, but a blaze of glorious light.

Darcy for Christmas!!!!!!!!!!!


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Holes? What holes?


Joe

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I'm still standing
Joe

Dear Joe,
Stay calm! This is my cautious side speaking.
 
Keep faith. Don't get caught up in feelings of revenge, (Julie and Lorraine) and believe.....this is going to work.
 
It must be obvious to a lot of people that Julie has big problems.
 
Want this because it is the best thing for Darcy, and not to get even with Lorraine.
 
It's going to work dear Joe.
 
Prayers and candles for you all.
 
with Love,
Jude

Love is the only way